change

Another go around. Round two. This again.
 
COVID interrupted my/our (husband and myself), empty-nest last year. One should be so fortunate that’s all the pandemic interrupted; blessings counted. Prior to COVD, our youngest (Sam), went off to college, and our second youngest (Alexa), left to finish her senior year, giving us a taste of the “quiet house”.
 
Alexa (I wasn’t aware in 1998 that Amazon would plunder her name or the way we consume...I digress) returned in March for online, remote, school, concluding her senior year with no official graduation. Sam came home too. At least they had each other to homeschool with... until they didn’t.

Sam returned to her NY school in September, leaving Alexa doing the laptop-jockey (a NYC job she started in June), from her bedroom, our kitchen, Markus’s old bedroom, my office, the living room, and God knows where else. Although Poppy loved this, I’m sure Alexa envisioned her career starting out much more exciting than in a restricted, germ-phobic home during a global pandemic; yikes.
 
As Alexa gears up for her transition to an apartment in NYC, I can hear the “quiet house” already.
 
For me (us), really ME – this being about my growth, experience, and transcendence; I’ll be confronted once again with questions, doubts, and wonderings. The “WTF” happened to four kids needing, expecting, looking for, and wanting me. The mathematical equations of my earnings, and career-opportunity losses while “bringing up the brood”. The “am I enough”, “what now”, “I could/should have done ________ better”, and all the messy regrets, joys, and memories between. Shiitake, that went fast; other than the time all four had the throw-up bug...that went slow, and stained a lot of carpets.
 
Once again, I’ll be the rusher-home from work to let Poppy out. I’ll seek comfort in knowing that all things are subject to change, and I’ll once more, do “the work”...the type that doesn’t pay. Where answers come from silence. Where a long run or walk, may help facilitate and integrate feelings and emotions of a raw heart. Now experienced, I’ll remember to offer myself radical self-compassion, deep forgiveness, and the opportunity to dream, dreams...things I’ve cultivated for others.
 
As for Alexa, with a name that popular, “the world is her oyster”. I hope she accepts endless exciting  opportunities to grow, learn, and evolve. And she better invite me to a Macy’s Day parade when this social distancing thing is over!